I thought long and hard about whether to include my own story on this site, because I grew up in the 1950 and 60's when homosexuality was illegal in the UK and the attitudes of much of the rest of the world were different. But, as well a being a personal journey, my life has also been a spiritual one, so perhaps that side of my story may still have some relevance tp some people. SO I have written this in the hope that what happened to me might provide encouragement, or even inspire, someone else who is struggling with their spiritual - sexual life.
After years of severe depression, I became suicidal- solely because of the conflict between my perception of Christianity and my sexual behaviour. Having reached that crisis point, I then experienced what I can only describe as a spiritual revelation. For many years, I told hardly anyone about this experience, for it was deeply personal. Plus, I did not think that anyone would be able to believe me.
I was in my 30s. I had gone to my church minister for healing. He, and one of the deacons, spent six evenings exploring why I was so depressed. Those sessions helped me: to see, for the first time, that I had been an abused child; And to then to begin a journey toward spiritual, emotional and sexual healing. My priority at that time was my conflict between being a Christian and being homosexual - which was tormenting me beyond endurance. I was in a state of despair and desperation and I recall thinking, when the final session arrived, that this would be the evening when they would be praying for healing, (which, for me, meant being made 'straight'). I was terrified - thinking; 'What if God doesn't heal me? For then my only escape, from the hell I am in, will be to kill myself.' When, later that evening, the two of them laid hands on my head, I was surprised by what prayed. They didn't ask God to make me straight, they simply asked that God come and do whatever I needed to be done. What happened immediately after that is next to impossible to fully describe, but I will try. A figure sort of 'appeared' - in my mind - I couldn't see his face, so I cannot describe him - other than to say that he was slim and he was male. He didn't identify himself by name, nor in words, but I somehow knew this was God -yet I felt no fear.
Then, inside my head, the words 'I love you.' formed and an overwhelming feeling of love began to fill me. Surprisingly, that love didn't seem to be coming from outside of me, but from somewhere deep within. The sensation was incredible, incredibly powerful - it was a bit like being plugged into a high tension cable but, instead of harmful electricity, pure high-energy love was flowing into me. Again, the words 'I love you.' filled my mind. In response, I protested that He couldn't love me. He asked; 'Why not? I replied; 'Because i am homosexual, an abomination.' He asked; 'Who says that you are an abomination?' I replied; 'Your book - the Bible.' He asked; 'And who wrote the Bible?' I replied; 'Well, men did - but they did so whilst inspired by you.' Him; 'I see. And do men always get such things right?' Me; 'Er no, but .. '. Him; 'Well then.' And he poured another flood of love into me, whilst repeating; 'I love you.' Me; 'But how can you love me? - I am a pervert!' Him; 'I love you - as you are.' And He accompanied these word with another, continuous, flood of love, building in intensity until I thought I could contain no more of it, that I might burst. And, all the time, He kept repeating; 'I love you - as you are' I cannot tell you how long this went on for, as I lost all sense of time. I only know that it was the most profound, the most real experience of my life.
When He finally withdrew from my mind, I was left with a feeling of great peace.
My healers could see from my face that something incredible had taken place. So I tried to describe what had just happened. They didn't question me much, they could see that their prayer had been answered.
Despite that evening's incredible experience, I was left still not understanding; 1. How it could possibly be ok with God for anyone to be gay? 2. Why he hadn't taken the opportunity to heal me, to change my sexual orientation? And so, every day for the next two weeks, I found myself spending time in prayer, telling Him that I didn't understand why he hadn't changed me. But every time I asked that question, he just ('just' - hah, hah, talk about understatement!) filled me with love - an experience I can only describe as an intense spiritual 'hug' - and He just kept repeating 'I love you - as you are.'
It took two weeks of these daily prayer sessions before I was able to say 'Ok, for reasons I really do not comprehend, it seems that you are telling me that it ok with you that I am gay' (The reply was yet another intense spiritual' hug'.) But I had to continue with; 'But I still do not want to be gay and I know that, if you wanted, you could heal me, turn me heterosexual. So I do not understand why you won't do that now. So, please forgive me if I am being perverse, but I will continue to hope that, one day, you will change my orientation. In the meantime, if this is truly what you want me to do - and I think it must be because you keep 'hugging' me as I think this - then I will try to accept what I am and, despite my being baffled, I will trust that this is what you want me to do.'
Now, you may be appalled to read that I would even dare to argue with God, let alone do so in the way that I did - for I was indeed very stubborn, and it must seem ungracious too. But, in my defence, I should explain that I was still in a state of confusion - for what God was asking of me I found totally bewildering, as it seemed so contrary to what I had been taught. And the last think I wanted to do was to make a mistake, to misunderstand what He wanted me to do. But one thing was obvious to me - He didn't mind my protestations, He didn't mind my arguing with him at all, as He made me feel that He understood my distress and, all the way through those two weeks, no matter how angry or frustrated I got, He just kept giving me those incredible spiritual 'hugs' and repeating 'I love you - as you are.' (Writing this, some 40 years later, I still find the memory of those 'hugs' mind-blowing!)
So it was that I made my (reluctant!) pact with God. (Oh dear, that sounds so arrogant but, contrary to what some might tell you, I found that trying to anger God by arguing with Him is rather like trying to push Everest over! Think about it - how can a mere human anger a being that is infinite love?) Anyway, my pact was that I would try to accept my sexuality - but only on the condition that I knew that He could heal me if He chose to, and that I would continue to hope that He would turn me heterosexual.
Looking back, I realise that this two week 'battle' had several purposes - it allowed me to vent all of the anger that had built up in me, all of my resentment about the injustice of being a Christian who was saddled with being a pervert - something I felt was totally out of my control. I think God patiently let me argue myself to a standstill, because He knew that only then would I be able to begin to trust - that what He was doing would come right for me in the end. And that, eventually, I would understand it all.
I should tell you that there was one massive healing that did take place. Whilst, after the healing session, I remained upset and angry with God for the next two weeks, I think I already I knew that I was no longer suicidal. And, months later, I later realised that the deep, disabling monthly bouts of depression (which had crippled me for two decades) had ceased the night that my friends had prayed for me. Oh, I was still a psycho-sexual mess; I was still obsessed with sex, hopelessly addicted to porn and casual, anonymous sex. But, after I made my 'pact' with God, I can now see how He set me on a journey of discovery and healing. The psycho-sexual healing was a long, often difficult and painful process, that was to last over 30 years (which should give you a good idea of what a mess I was back then!)
Since I became a Christian and then discovered I was homosexual, in every bookshop I ever visited, I had always gone to browse in sex and the Christianity sections - hoping to find answers to my dilemma and my addiction. So, over the years before this 'encounter' with God, I had read many books about Christianity, and faith, and everything I could find on sex but had still I found no answers. But, after my encounter, I began discovering little bits of theology and historical research, which were pointing me in the direction of what I needed to learn.
One evening I plucked up the courage to ask a friend - who was a devout, high-church Christian - how he coped, given that he was the most effeminate, unashamed 'queen' I have ever met! (I know he wouldn't mind me saying that, as it was how he described himself.) I asked him this because it appeared to me that he felt no conflict between his faith and his sexuality and so I asked if that were true. He said that it was. So I asked how that could be. He saw my confusion and immediately recommended that I obtain and read a book, called 'Dirt Sex and Greed' by L William Countryman. SoI bought a copy and began avidly reading. I found hard to put down, for it was utterly fascinating. Amongst other things, I discovered that almost everything I'd thought I knew about the Torah was incorrect. I longed for what he wrote to be true, for if it was true, then that would resolve my conflict (between being gay and Christian). But I then looked Countryman up and discovered that he was gay. So I wondered whether his account of the true meaning of the Torah might be biased, or perhaps even wishful thinking. So I began looking for other books, written by theologians and biblical historians - to try to discover if anything Countryman had written could be verified. To my astonishment, every scholarly work I read confirmed everything that I had read in Countryman's book. Oh, there were some books - written by well-meaning Christians - who disagreed with Countryman's views but I soon noticed that their arguments were based solely on their own opinions, not on any objective historic or linguistical research, whereas Countryman's work was well-researched and backed up by other scholarly works. The books that supported Countryman's work all had bibliographies of the research works they had studied - whereas most of the books that criticised Countryman didn't.
Then someone told me that there was to be a lecture that I might find interesting, to be held in a church in Cambridge, UK. The lecture, given by the Rev'd Jeffrey John, described how and why the old biblical texts relating to homosexuality had had come to be badly misunderstood and misinterpreted. Ok, he admitted that he himself was homosexual but and he also referred to many scholarly works that he claimed supported his assertions. So I set about reading all of those sources, including some complex articles about the difficulties of translating rare Greek terms into modern English. (See my Links page if you want to read some of those.)
Of course, there were books that took a contrary view but I came to notice another difference between those supporting Countryman's writings and those trying to discredit them. Everything I read that supported what Countryman claimed was based on sound, comprehensive research, whilst every author who opposed those view based their criticism on little or, in most cases, no research. And I could also see how that those who had carried out some research had done so superficially and that their skimpy research was deeply flawed. Also, that most of their arguments were no more than re-hashed old prejudices that they (like me) had been taught when younger.
Despite all this, I still really struggled to let go of what (I now realise) were my own deep prejudices against homosexuality. But I gradually learned and began to accept what, to any rational person, was so obviously the truth. And, as that truth gradually permeated into my homophobic brain, I finally began to realise why God hadn't healed me of my homosexuality all those years ago. What He had done was to start a process of healing, for He knew that my deeply engrained prejudice against homosexuality could only be overcome once a great deal of learning had taken place.
I do not actually know where my prejudice had actually came from - perhaps from the society I grew up in, when homosexuality was illegal and homosexual men went to prison if they were caught - plus a multitude of negative things that so many people said about 'poofs and queers'. And all of that was, of course, prejudice which had existed for 100s, if not 1000s, of years. And I had now learned that all of it was rooted in religious and physiological misunderstandings, mistranslations, ignorance and hearsay etc.
In my 60s, I had some treatment from a hypnotherapist on a matter I thought totally unconnected but which I soon discovered was anything but. To cut a long story short, the hypnosis did something I still do not fully understand - it enabled me to finally (after 33 years) break my addiction to casual anonymous sex.
I am now in my 70s but I can still recall that 'voice' in my head saying, over and over again, 'I love you - as you are.' The big difference now is that I finally understand why God said that. I am now able to see that my sexuality is not a burden, it is just a part of who i am - a spirit made flesh and infinitely loved by God.
On my long journey, I have learned that the God I first encountered at Boys' Brigade when I was just 16, is far, far bigger than something that can be contained or explained by any one religion. All the major religions claim that God is, exclusively, the way they see him. But I think that they are wrong - I think that all the different religions have, like Christianity, itself, caught a glimpse of what God is. And that glimpse is so powerful an experience to most people, that they assume their 'glimpse' is the whole story. Some even believe that the way God revealed himself to them is the only way God reveals himself - a belief which now seems to me to be nonsensical, arrogant foolishness. I think that we are all seeking to follow the same God - its just that He looks different to different people - and to different faiths - simply because we all experience Him from different viewpoints/experiences.
Well, that is my story. I hope I haven't bored you? More importantly, I sincerely hope that you will find something on this website that is of some use to you, or to someone you care about. If you have found this website at all helpful, do please use the contact form to tell me how it was helpful. I'm not after praise, I simply want to know what was useful (and, if you wish, what was not). Please also feel free to use that Contact form to make suggestions as to how I could improve this site.
To conclude. Whether you are gay, straight, bisexual - or whatever label you feel fits you best - you matter to God, you are loved by God.